Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Happy 16th Birthday Claudia Celine McStay

Dear Daughter:

Right now, I am feeling ok and I have strength right now, so what I will be doing over the next few weeks is to a lot of people I will be typing and speaking my good-bye words.

Claudia,  no one knows when the cancer will finally overtake me, hopefully it’s not for a long time but, while I can and I have somewhat a functional brain, and a few loose marbles in my head, I want to be able to say good-bye to you and to wish you a very happy 16th Birthday.

In a few weeks my daughter, you will turn 16 years old and as I look at that I know one huge thing about you. I know absolutely not that much about you and because of the divorce, I have missed the last 14 years of your life and as mine is fighting the cancer, this is the one thing that I wish that I could change, but I can't

I have tried to keep a really positive attitude about the cancer fight and never try to let it get me down. When your grandfather was fighting his battle with Agent Orange Exposure, he told me, "Mike, either I will beat this cancer or I will go back home to God." That is exactly my thought about whats going on with me and my fight.

It has been rarely that I have cried but when I have it has really bothered me..Please let me tell you the main example of it.

I went to the movies and saw the last Breaking Dawn, Twilight film and I was ok until one scene. It was when Bella was being walked down the aisle by her father to be married to Edward and as I was watching that, I just absolutely lost it and just started to cry and I didn't stop for a while. It had just hit me that on that special day when you find someone to love and become a wife to, I will not be there. 

I will not know how you are as a wife, mom to your future family and it just really hurt. On the day that you were born the Dr. put you in my arms and the first thing I did was pray to God that please do not let me drop her! I also told you something that day..

I said, "Hello, Claudia Celine McStay, I am your father Flynn Michael McStay and I will love you for the rest of your life. I am now telling you this right now! one day there will be a boy who you will want to marry and I will make this poor mans life a living hell and he will regret this choice. But just remember when I am doing this it will because that I love you very much and I hope you will one day understand why I am doing this." You just had your eyes closed and looked so cute when I gave you back to the Dr's. I think you knew who I was and that you were safe.

It really hurts me that I do not know that much about you and I want to so bad and that is whey I am stuck in what we call a catch-22.

What this means is that I am damned if i go one way and I am damned if I go the other way on a decision, or another way of looking at it is this, I have a choice to make and I have 2 answers and both are wrong and neither one is right and it really bothers me.

I so want to see you and Sean right now, to get to know you and try to talk and to understand how and why you both think. But at the same time, I do not you 2 around me so that your last memories of me is that of a man that is withering away and dying of cancer. This is one of the reasons that I am glad to be living by myself right now, my family sees me every few days and that don't have to watch it slowly get worse with each passing day.

This may not make sense to you but my idea is that its a father who loves his kids and never wants to put them in anything as hard as what I am going through right now. I have missed so much and I will miss more about your 2 lives and now that is what bothers me the most.

When your special day happens I would like if if you would play this song on that day to remember me by..

The song is Todd Rundgren-Hello Its Me.

The reason is that when you were little, you used to love it when I would sing you to sleep and when you and mom just were not in synch with each other, I would sing you this song and the majority of the time you went right to sleep. I still to this day have no idea why this one worked but it did.

When you were born, you were the first little girl that my side of the family had had in years, so you were immediately a spoiled princesses and you knew it and you ate it all up!!! I remember a lot of small things about you. How you love Blue Clues and that small puppy dog.

I also remember a visit to CiCi pizza when you were about 1.5 years old. The manager asked who you took after when you were eating pizza and made a huge mess and my entire family looked at me and you then looked at me and just smiled at me.. I couldn't say anything, you were so a part of me!!

You loved it when i would pick you up and dance and just twirl you around. You always gave me this big smile and I knew that we were both very happy.

A while back I read on your Facebook that one of your friends called you a "RedNeck" and I knew exactly who you got that from and when you explained it to me, I really brought a smile to my face.

I just mentioned these 3 things because if i mentioned everything I would never be able to end this note..

When the days comes that it is really starting to look bad for me, please keep on going with your life. I want you to still go to parties, dances, movies.. I want you to have fun. Please remember that. 

When that day comes that the cancer wins, please remember that you had a father who loved you very much and always will and If God lets me, I will drop by and check on you from time to time. 

I heard this video today and thought of you. Its a father wishing the best for his child as they leave to go on their path of life.

Just always remember, you will always be my little girl and your Daddy will always love you..

I love you and will and still do miss you..have a very Happy 16th Birthday.

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