Saturday, September 08, 2012

To my Son: Sean Patrick McStay

Dear  Sean:
Right now, I am feeling ok and I have strength right now, so what I will be doing over the next few weeks is to a lot of people I will be typing and speaking my good-bye words to my friends all over the world.

My son,  no one knows when the cancer will finally overtake me, hopefully it’s not for a long time but, while I can and I have somewhat a functional brain, and a few loose marbles in my head, I want to be able to say good-bye.

Sean, Because of the divorce and other things, I know absolutely not that much about you and, I have missed the last 14 years of your life and as mine is fighting the cancer, this is the one thing that I wish that I could change, but I can't. I remember that when we were trying to come up with your name, no one liked my idea of Kordell, so I knew that you were going to have an Irish last name and when I asked about Sean Patrick McStay, both sides of the family liked that name.

I don’t know if you know this but we almost lost you the day of your birth, your cord had gotten wrapped around your throat and for the first week of your life I was really scared that you were going to die on us but when we got you from the hospital, I was so happy that my little man was coming home and that you looked very happy.

As I also told your sister, I have tried to keep a really positive attitude about the cancer fight and never try to let it get me down. When your grandfather was fighting his battle with Agent Orange Exposure, he told me, "Mike, either I will beat this cancer or I will go back home to God." That is exactly my thought about what’s going on with me and my fight.

When I lived in South Korea and I would go to the baseball games there, it would always make me sad when I would see the fathers and their sons at these games, I so wanted you there with me so we could try and talk about the game and what we thought about life and many things that parents try and teach their children.  When I went to the film festivals in Korea to over them, I was always hoping that either you or your sister could have come along so I could have shown you why I love going to the movies.

But I realized that, also like your sister, when you finally do meet that special someone and that you do fall in love, I will not be there and I will not know what kind of a boyfriend, fiancé, Husband and father you will be when it is your time to do this important job and it really hurts me, inside, when I think about these things.

From the little that I know about you, I know that you love Jeff Dunham’s comedy; this is a trait that we both share together.

Also like I told your sister,  It really hurts me that I do not know that much about you and I want to so bad and that is why I am stuck in what we call a catch-22.

What this means is that I am damned if I go one way and I am damned if I go the other way on a decision, or another way of looking at it is this, I have a choice to make and I have 2 answers and both are wrong and neither one is right and it really bothers me.

I so want to see you and Claudia right now, to get to know you and try to talk and to understand how and why you both think. But at the same time, I do not you 2 around me so that your last memories of me is that of a man that is withering away and dying of cancer. This is one of the reasons that I am glad to be living by myself right now, my family sees me every few days and that don't have to watch it slowly get worse with each passing day.

This may not make sense to you but my idea is that it’s a father who loves his kids and never wants to put them in anything as hard as what I am going through right now. I have missed so much and I will miss more about your 2 lives and now that is what bothers me the most.

Just as your sister had a song that I would sing her when she needed to go to sleep as a baby, this is your song that I would sing to you.

The songs title is:Nights are Forever Without You-England Dan and John Ford Coley

I still have no idea why this song worked on you, but it did. So on your special day when you decide to become a husband, please play this song, if God lets me, I will try and drop in every once in a while.

When you were a baby, you were usually a very happy baby; you just kind of went with the flow.
I remember that when you & your sister both needed a nap, sometimes I was the favorite pillow and you both would want me to hold you and then in about 2 minutes, you both would be sound asleep and it always brought a smile to my face.

My Son, I do not know how much time I have left but I would like to be your facebook friend and just so we can talk or not talk about anything you want to.

I have been playing this song a lot lately and it’s about a man who is dying and he’s trying to say goodbye to the people that he loves.

The songs title  is: Terry Jack’s- Seasons in the Sun. 

 I have been thinking about you when I hear this song. This is my little man and I so much do love him but I am not going to be there when he grows up.

Sean, please remember this…Please Take care of yourself and always remember…Well I know Jesus and I talk to God and I remember this from when I was young; Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us: And the greatest is love."

Just please remember one thing about me, I am your father and I will always love you, my son..

Love Dad.

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