Saturday, July 23, 2005

The final cut

The last few messages that I have left have not made much scenes. I will try and explain why now.

Last year on 23 July 2004, I lost the biggest influence in my life, my father, Flynn Benard McStay Jr. He died of cancer, the V.A. believes that it was caused by his exposure to agent orange on the DMZ in 66-67. I am at home tonight just trying to survive this day.

The 3 songs I selected. Dance With My Father, Leader of The Band, Tears in Heaven. They all tell things that I wish that I could say to him tonight.

I wish that I could have him swing me around and tell me that everything is going to be all right. I miss our watching boxing together. My grandfather taught me wrestling, my father taught me boxing. We used to watch it on HBO a lot or when I was in school he would call and ask me if i was watching the fight. We both thought that the Gatti-Ward series was some of the best boxing ever and we both were cheering like fools when George Foreman won the Heavyweight title at his age.

I still cry every time I hear the song Dance With My Father, To be honest I have no ideal when I will ever stop. If you have lost your father then the song makes too much scenes, if you haven't then please talk to him and tell him you love him.

Leader of the Band tell how sometimes I feel like my life has been a bad attempt to try and follow what he taught me. Sometimes I do good and sometimes not but I never quit trying, he taught me that. Been crying over that song today.

Tears On Heaven, Eric Clapton wrote this song after his son died and when I heard it on MTV many years ago I thought, this can be a sons call to his father also, I've been thinking a lot today will we know each other in heaven, what will I do when I see him again? Will he be happy for the decisions that I have made in my life?

I saw my very strong father wither away with the cancer and it made me upset. I am so angry with Dow Chemical over A.O. But every time I get angry with them I recall what he said about it, "If its God's will then I will recover if not, I'm going home." "I am my fathers son". I have been told by alot of his friends that I do act like him. I chose the Washington Redskins and my football team because he was a Cowboy fan. I can recall Thanksgiving games when my step-mother was like, Oh no, Dallas vs Washington.

I lost my mother in November 1979 and she was buried in Ft Bliss Texas, my father is now buried with her their. The funeral was weird I didn't cry, still really haven't, just the moments when I hear the songs. The one thing I have missed is that we used to talk about everything and anything, haven't found anybody to talk to here in Korea. I'm not married and no g.f here so today I here just trying to hold it together.

Readers if you have parents, please tell them that you love them. If their is a major problem, get it out in the open. Because if you don't one day you will no longer have the chance. If your like me today and you have somebody in your life, lean on them today, they will be glad that you did. I'm here alone just dong the best I can tonight.

Thanks for listening.